One of the most amazing halloweens to date.
Something about this holiday..
Granted ive always been attracted to the intense and asthetically rich aspects of the holiday..
Ive done some insane things.....
But all in all it has aways been a day of rebirth and rebuiilding.
Last night I went to PEX halloween party...
It was amazing.. they had taken their BM camp and rebuilt it inside an ultra clean modern warehouse...
Like being in a concrete dessert..
As I was assisting with new cracks on the dance floor I felt someone quickly brush past me...
A hasent step to lay a beat down of their own...
She turned around...
The world stood still... And two demensions so lost in time for a short moment were alligned...
Taking a breath that threw me 7 years into the past.
Speechless, they excitedly ran towards me.. jumping inot the air.. inot my arms..
Their frame thinner from before, mine broader.. I could spin her round as effortlessly as I had lost her.
The same face, smile, voice, touch....Why god WHY did I not take drugs so I could at least explain these feelings..
But the simple fact was, short of a few vodkas I was sober...riding high on a shot of pschotrophic emotions.
I couldnt say anything.. and a moment later we were dancing again..
as we had so many shows and gigs before...
running inot the back room to find a quiet place where we could catch up....
Then finding ourselves raised 6 feet high above the masses as we danced a contorted twist of contemporary ballet...
Bringing smiles and inspiration once again..
we walked around wiht each other.. running inot mutual friends we had not seen for sa long time...
"We're so glad to see you guys out, we never see you guys anymore"
Had I been on drugs I would have sworn these comments were fabricated in a well bruised heart brimming
with paranoia.. but I wasnt.. it had been three years since we parted...and people acted as if we had neverr missed a beat...
The familiar hellos and salutations people in the bizz make when out and about running into old friends...
lol in the back of their mind possibly thinking "wow their so lucky they've made it so long"
the irony...
Ive always been a fan of irony... Its the catalyst to any good story..
But in this case it was sharp ,piercing and dissorienting
Where was I , why was this happening.. why were our worlds meeting like this?
Again.
I am utterly greatful but dizzied by this.
sometimes you get a chance to mend the past... but this seemed so perfect... Frankly I couldnt tell if it was real
or years of my sub concious had finally taken over and I was really just sitting in a corner imagining all this...
And then came the outer body experience... For real
I was there almost floating over my shoulder watching me... watching my eyes...
I have no idea how this even got into my head.. I dont even remeber mirrors at this venue...
I just remeber seeing my eyes... The emotion that lied behind those eyes is too volatile to even begin to explain..
but the fact .... I felt human again...
seeing myself look at a women like that... It was so obvious... I felt blue rays pouring out....
I felt love for this person... like an astro naut on mars...
knowing i would never get to see this person again in the same demension...our ships drifiting off into
different time lines and blending with fractals of chance.
So here I am...
i suppose holywood would tell of a perfect ending here... But holywood doesnt always produce my life...
Im left jaw dropped and amazed...
Though strange to say, these emotional journeys have not made me weary.. On the other hand...
I feel stronger and more content than I ever have...
could it be... that somehow.. through the most backwards blindfolded way...somehow
im fixed...
I feel whole... I feel like me... I feel hopeful
I feel free
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
alright..
finally have a day to catch up with all my online stuff..
been deep into flash development on one of my eccomerce sites.. www.chemicalinstinct.com I cant believe im saying this but.. It seems that ebay is still one of the best ways to sell.. lol I just wish you could custumize the look.. make it simnpler and cleaner.... develop more templates.. etc etc etc
Now that have the blogging running I suppose Ill blog to numerous sites.. so just to assure any readers at least for the next two months I will be blogging solely here.. with the ocassional copy and psate into my facebook etc.
finally have a day to catch up with all my online stuff..
been deep into flash development on one of my eccomerce sites.. www.chemicalinstinct.com I cant believe im saying this but.. It seems that ebay is still one of the best ways to sell.. lol I just wish you could custumize the look.. make it simnpler and cleaner.... develop more templates.. etc etc etc
Now that have the blogging running I suppose Ill blog to numerous sites.. so just to assure any readers at least for the next two months I will be blogging solely here.. with the ocassional copy and psate into my facebook etc.
re blogging my cog
Well finally got around to using this blogging site..
Well Life is rather good..
A little moist at the moment..
Its reminicent of Belgian weather..
The almost mistyness plowing off the road...
Im looking forward to Halloween..
Its been awhile since ive had it off and the last time we all made the mistake
of going to the henry david ball..boring and we all got cheated out of our "Schoolof FIsh" group costume award by two lesbians dressed like cheney and bush as fucking each other.. amusing yes, Costume prize award winning hell no.
SO this year im thinking of going to NYC...
so many things going on..
some friends are having house party in brooklyn
misfits are playing at bb kings
Chriss is throwing A fetish party
// not to mention Hetaher, richard and the entire gang have off..
Funk Yeah
Well Life is rather good..
A little moist at the moment..
Its reminicent of Belgian weather..
The almost mistyness plowing off the road...
Im looking forward to Halloween..
Its been awhile since ive had it off and the last time we all made the mistake
of going to the henry david ball..boring and we all got cheated out of our "Schoolof FIsh" group costume award by two lesbians dressed like cheney and bush as fucking each other.. amusing yes, Costume prize award winning hell no.
SO this year im thinking of going to NYC...
so many things going on..
some friends are having house party in brooklyn
misfits are playing at bb kings
Chriss is throwing A fetish party
// not to mention Hetaher, richard and the entire gang have off..
Funk Yeah
3 way to NYC
Well... what a weekend...
After friday nights bust of "splatter hgouse: I decided it appropraite to take in a little vacation before the fall season... Knowing how rare it is to get a weekend off...
So I went to NYC to visit two friends, XXXXX and XXXXX.
I met them several months agoi while I was briefly seeing XXXX X girl friend. They seemed all very nice at the time, but it seemed like I had arrived on the scene during some turbulent times.
Having come out of several polyamourous relationship I am all too well versed in the cloudyness that comes out of these type of romtical triangles.
Though at the time a bit smitten by the X, !5 years in tghis buisiness can make the lessons learned so concrete that you cant edven find the power or self dellusioned energy to deny the simple fact that it is not an adoration built on stable ground.
Needles to say after their break up there was a quick ending to my dialogue with XXXXX and XXXXX and their friends.
Ironically the sadn3ess that came out of my triste with the X was more centered around the fact that there were all these amazing people around them.. I knew this girl had some kind of "emotions" for me so justy being friends was looking as a very slim possibility But after a rather dramatic end to there relationship numerous questions came out of it....
Its strange when girls offer ther girlfriends as some type of sexual bonus. And no matter how it may seem that Im just there for the ass.. the sad thing is.... Im an emo sensitive punk,,hahaha I just cant sleep with people without getting attached.. its awful.. So that is a good reason why every several years ill go moths if not a year without getting azny ass... its just easier that way.
I CAN REMEBER the night we first all slept together.,., I had been racing around the city trying to get to their appartment. I got pulled over... With the scent of a beer on my breath the officer asked why I was in such a rush... I explained i was on my way to a three way and that I was running late. He looked at me, asked where I lived and walked back to his partner in their cruiser... A few minutes l;ater, he returned with a ticket for disregarding a light and sent me on my way...
I rememebr how weird it was to be inside her girlfriend, looking over seeing her eyes filled with an almost evol intent. It seemed wrong, as if it wasnt 3 people, just two and a pet... and this is wrong wrong wrong. Needles to say a short while after that night they broke up[ and most of my contact with them was terminated.
Since I returned from BM many things have changed for me... It seemed before I was looking for my perfect compliment.. now it seems far from what i want.. Almost looking forward to differences, something i could leran from or teach from. Someone who chalanges me, someone who at the very least ointerests me and inspires me.
Since then ive spent many hours observing girls... and enjoyinbg when they are complete ependednt in thought. I think we have all been in relationships where people adjust themselves to you.. saying that love is about comprimise, but changing who you are and how you tick is not a comprimise... its a sell out.
I want to be told theythink its wronmg, I want to be shown a better way, or a different way, I want them to challange me... in hopes of extracting somerthing more pure.. something more true... something truelly me.
After friday nights bust of "splatter hgouse: I decided it appropraite to take in a little vacation before the fall season... Knowing how rare it is to get a weekend off...
So I went to NYC to visit two friends, XXXXX and XXXXX.
I met them several months agoi while I was briefly seeing XXXX X girl friend. They seemed all very nice at the time, but it seemed like I had arrived on the scene during some turbulent times.
Having come out of several polyamourous relationship I am all too well versed in the cloudyness that comes out of these type of romtical triangles.
Though at the time a bit smitten by the X, !5 years in tghis buisiness can make the lessons learned so concrete that you cant edven find the power or self dellusioned energy to deny the simple fact that it is not an adoration built on stable ground.
Needles to say after their break up there was a quick ending to my dialogue with XXXXX and XXXXX and their friends.
Ironically the sadn3ess that came out of my triste with the X was more centered around the fact that there were all these amazing people around them.. I knew this girl had some kind of "emotions" for me so justy being friends was looking as a very slim possibility But after a rather dramatic end to there relationship numerous questions came out of it....
Its strange when girls offer ther girlfriends as some type of sexual bonus. And no matter how it may seem that Im just there for the ass.. the sad thing is.... Im an emo sensitive punk,,hahaha I just cant sleep with people without getting attached.. its awful.. So that is a good reason why every several years ill go moths if not a year without getting azny ass... its just easier that way.
I CAN REMEBER the night we first all slept together.,., I had been racing around the city trying to get to their appartment. I got pulled over... With the scent of a beer on my breath the officer asked why I was in such a rush... I explained i was on my way to a three way and that I was running late. He looked at me, asked where I lived and walked back to his partner in their cruiser... A few minutes l;ater, he returned with a ticket for disregarding a light and sent me on my way...
I rememebr how weird it was to be inside her girlfriend, looking over seeing her eyes filled with an almost evol intent. It seemed wrong, as if it wasnt 3 people, just two and a pet... and this is wrong wrong wrong. Needles to say a short while after that night they broke up[ and most of my contact with them was terminated.
Since I returned from BM many things have changed for me... It seemed before I was looking for my perfect compliment.. now it seems far from what i want.. Almost looking forward to differences, something i could leran from or teach from. Someone who chalanges me, someone who at the very least ointerests me and inspires me.
Since then ive spent many hours observing girls... and enjoyinbg when they are complete ependednt in thought. I think we have all been in relationships where people adjust themselves to you.. saying that love is about comprimise, but changing who you are and how you tick is not a comprimise... its a sell out.
I want to be told theythink its wronmg, I want to be shown a better way, or a different way, I want them to challange me... in hopes of extracting somerthing more pure.. something more true... something truelly me.
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