Bloging in public

Ha so its been awhile since I made a "Public" post. I suppose ive been a bit guarded these past few years. Life is good, lately Ive been surrounded by amazing caring people and Im over joyed by it. Just celebrated a birthday, and really loving my job. Lots of creative output but Ironically feel a bit muted. Sometimes you just want to scream how you feel about everything.. and sometimes you just want people to just know... I feel strangely caught in the middle of these two extremes and emotional I feel the same.... Half instinctual and half cerebral, oozing with a practicality that manifests itself as a unquenchable lustful desire...
I seem to be at the mercy of these notions. Not to complain, after all they are incredibly intense...just as usual I want it all, including some type of validation that these sentiments are true... not miss directed...not miss intended... not temporary fleeting emotional whims.
Having a head swim with all these ideas during the holidays seems to add an additional complexity to the overall situation. The longing of family and some sort of traditional hold has always been an extremely desireable thing.. Having spend most holidays far away from "Home" and Family.
Every year the holidays have always been the culmination of my most cleverest ways of avoiding invitations while balancing the scales as to ake sure I am not completely alone on the holidays... IDont get me wrong I love the pleasantrys of family dinners.. I love them in fact.. Just after an hour or two of gabbing away it inevitably occurs to me that these people are not my family...blodd is thiker after all... And then it slowly seeps in... this feeling of being an outsider... cause you are... you are not family... And after years of this realization you just learn to avid such types of emotions...
I believe its perfectly healthy to have these type of reactions.... I suppose a natural reaction for a somewhat healthy mind... Though I would greatly like to have a family one day so that I dont have to second guess my instincts, emotions, identity and home like this every year.

That all being said I am fully aware of how amazing my world is and how grateful I am for everything and everyone in it...