if you love someone....

Easy and basic lesson learned....
If you love someone... Just tell them know...
cause there is no victor in love lost

My first Gallery...

Phew... what an absolutely amazing evening.. An entire night of celebration to commemerate our new venture.. A beautiful studio space where we can present our work and mission..
So happy I have been able o help make this all happen....
Seeing so many happy people made me feel useful..with purpose.. Appreciated... Aknowledged...

Im looking forward to this month long residency of madness and cant wait to see where it takes us...

Ive been studying a lot bout my new laser and Im really lookign forward to expressing myself in this new media.. ANd what a better night to premier it than NYE...

Another dance performance tonight and then Im going to try and find some fancy eats... Wish I could magically transport and I would go right to NYC... One of my favourite places to find strange and unusual grubbage..

Thanks cosmos

Cause it doesnt seem to settle

learning how to ignore something is hard when you are being ignored- Learning to enjoy something is easier when you are being enjoyed

My attempt in slowing down and simplifying my next installation/life has come up very short... Immersed in 20 different amazing things I feel myself slowly coming apart at the seams... Like a monsterous case of A-D-D... One second Im here one second im lost...
Its time for some serious soul searching... again....
I really do believe that we can all self manifest anything we want... And in that same way we can refuse to also..

lasers, video walls, temples, residencys, all mixed in with the usual complexities and heartache that can be life...Not sure if I know why?... What motivates me to do these things... Not sure if I care to know either...

The killer in me

Early morning rise, after a restless night sleep...
self destructive self induced blindness...GET A GRIP...
Arrived a few hours early at work just to get out of my house..
my staleness, my seeming disconnect.... I need the get out more..
leave the west side...
Perhaps its time for new explorations beyond the immediate family.... The weather lately has been amazing... motorcycle rides have been epic.... A sense of satisfaction as the world smoothly slides underneath me. a crisp zip the whips my face as i watch out for discoloured falling leaves... The forest is calling me...
The simple truth is...There is too much going on... and it has my head spinning...
need to slim down some variances... Need to re-align... re-focus... re-create...
It seems to be a re occuring theme with me...maybe im not visiting it well enough...
distractions distractions.... So many distractions to help me spin my wheels...
I feel this explosion surpressed inside of me... and I know It always eventually releases... perhaps with slower release but always intense impact.
That feeling you get right after youve jumped out of plane and you finally land on ground...... sound sight, touch everything is off.... 1 split second behind where your perception is.... A syncopated rythm

Bloging in public

Ha so its been awhile since I made a "Public" post. I suppose ive been a bit guarded these past few years. Life is good, lately Ive been surrounded by amazing caring people and Im over joyed by it. Just celebrated a birthday, and really loving my job. Lots of creative output but Ironically feel a bit muted. Sometimes you just want to scream how you feel about everything.. and sometimes you just want people to just know... I feel strangely caught in the middle of these two extremes and emotional I feel the same.... Half instinctual and half cerebral, oozing with a practicality that manifests itself as a unquenchable lustful desire...
I seem to be at the mercy of these notions. Not to complain, after all they are incredibly intense...just as usual I want it all, including some type of validation that these sentiments are true... not miss directed...not miss intended... not temporary fleeting emotional whims.
Having a head swim with all these ideas during the holidays seems to add an additional complexity to the overall situation. The longing of family and some sort of traditional hold has always been an extremely desireable thing.. Having spend most holidays far away from "Home" and Family.
Every year the holidays have always been the culmination of my most cleverest ways of avoiding invitations while balancing the scales as to ake sure I am not completely alone on the holidays... IDont get me wrong I love the pleasantrys of family dinners.. I love them in fact.. Just after an hour or two of gabbing away it inevitably occurs to me that these people are not my family...blodd is thiker after all... And then it slowly seeps in... this feeling of being an outsider... cause you are... you are not family... And after years of this realization you just learn to avid such types of emotions...
I believe its perfectly healthy to have these type of reactions.... I suppose a natural reaction for a somewhat healthy mind... Though I would greatly like to have a family one day so that I dont have to second guess my instincts, emotions, identity and home like this every year.

That all being said I am fully aware of how amazing my world is and how grateful I am for everything and everyone in it...

End of year and Life is Good

Well a lot of exciting new things under way.. I trully feel blessed this season.. Been working on a lot of really neat art and developing new professional avenues. Though I hate the snow I think Im prepared to deal with it.. A little frosty love never hurt anyone right?

test one two let do it on the moon

Alrighty then campers.. Heres another blog entry....

Ive spent most of this week dealing with technical issues with my Software sponsors and my internal quest to robot dancing while trying to get things done...

Im glad to announce though that I am ready to hit the lights this weekend..

Friday will be in PHILY VJ-ing @ kulture Shock and then Going up to NYC

on saturday to get my Tron on with my friends Xriss Smack at the Movie premier..


PS new LASER projector will DESTROY all eyes who are sleepy...(Or have Chateracts.. Seriously.. colours are VIVID!!!)

Mystery Ankle Injury and new projector

Well while Im hobling around due to a mystery Ankle injury Im patiently waiting for my new Laser video projector.... 20,000 user life gets me excited for long installs an extended use..Ill post my results after this saturday @ http://www.facebook.com/#!/event.php?eid=159611110720857 INDUSTRIAL FALL here in Philly

Kicked in the ankle but still smillin' :)

Yeah Had a great day at home, woke up.. went to gym... Went to get on my bike and BLAM!!!.. Flat front tire.. Needless to say this is a no go situation.. SO an hour later and a rental car in hand Im on site. Life has been good though .... Planning on going to NYC this weekend to hang with my friend and maybe tear up some city.. Rarely have th weekends off so it seems of extreme importance to take advantage of these type of things..

Early Day reflection

Awake for an early morning job.. SItting behind a computer screen deep in reflection....
Last night I installed My newest sculpture.. "The Mantis" at its next stop for PEX's Halloween Ball... Worked on some mapping and it turned out amazingly good..

Im excited to share this latest creation....
Its so Ironic I feel so torn with things like a typical artist...
I feel in many ways like a parent who now has to say goodbye to his child lol...
Granted I finally dont have to spend hours in the wood shop anymore.. BUT it gave me purpose...

I suppose Im even more freaked out that there ares so many holidays coming up and nothing to distract me... Used to love Holidays but for me they arent neccessarily a fun time, my family being very far away and all...

Part of me wants to get on my motorcycle and head south...or west... frankly anywhere...
breathe some different air...

Possibly a side car and I could take a doggy with lol... me and a Miniture dog in a side car.. I love it!

Vj static website under way

Well just another uipdate its been awhile.. things are good.. been super buisy with festivals and preparing for burning man 2010....

Astro boy fixed by devil girl

One of the most amazing halloweens to date.

Something about this holiday..
Granted ive always been attracted to the intense and asthetically rich aspects of the holiday..
Ive done some insane things.....

But all in all it has aways been a day of rebirth and rebuiilding.

Last night I went to PEX halloween party...
It was amazing.. they had taken their BM camp and rebuilt it inside an ultra clean modern warehouse...
Like being in a concrete dessert..
As I was assisting with new cracks on the dance floor I felt someone quickly brush past me...
A hasent step to lay a beat down of their own...
She turned around...
The world stood still... And two demensions so lost in time for a short moment were alligned...
Taking a breath that threw me 7 years into the past.

Speechless, they excitedly ran towards me.. jumping inot the air.. inot my arms..
Their frame thinner from before, mine broader.. I could spin her round as effortlessly as I had lost her.
The same face, smile, voice, touch....Why god WHY did I not take drugs so I could at least explain these feelings..
But the simple fact was, short of a few vodkas I was sober...riding high on a shot of pschotrophic emotions.

I couldnt say anything.. and a moment later we were dancing again..
as we had so many shows and gigs before...
running inot the back room to find a quiet place where we could catch up....
Then finding ourselves raised 6 feet high above the masses as we danced a contorted twist of contemporary ballet...
Bringing smiles and inspiration once again..
we walked around wiht each other.. running inot mutual friends we had not seen for sa long time...
"We're so glad to see you guys out, we never see you guys anymore"
Had I been on drugs I would have sworn these comments were fabricated in a well bruised heart brimming
with paranoia.. but I wasnt.. it had been three years since we parted...and people acted as if we had neverr missed a beat...
The familiar hellos and salutations people in the bizz make when out and about running into old friends...
lol in the back of their mind possibly thinking "wow their so lucky they've made it so long"

the irony...
Ive always been a fan of irony... Its the catalyst to any good story..
But in this case it was sharp ,piercing and dissorienting

Where was I , why was this happening.. why were our worlds meeting like this?
Again.

I am utterly greatful but dizzied by this.
sometimes you get a chance to mend the past... but this seemed so perfect... Frankly I couldnt tell if it was real
or years of my sub concious had finally taken over and I was really just sitting in a corner imagining all this...

And then came the outer body experience... For real
I was there almost floating over my shoulder watching me... watching my eyes...
I have no idea how this even got into my head.. I dont even remeber mirrors at this venue...
I just remeber seeing my eyes... The emotion that lied behind those eyes is too volatile to even begin to explain..
but the fact .... I felt human again...
seeing myself look at a women like that... It was so obvious... I felt blue rays pouring out....
I felt love for this person... like an astro naut on mars...
knowing i would never get to see this person again in the same demension...our ships drifiting off into
different time lines and blending with fractals of chance.

So here I am...
i suppose holywood would tell of a perfect ending here... But holywood doesnt always produce my life...
Im left jaw dropped and amazed...
Though strange to say, these emotional journeys have not made me weary.. On the other hand...
I feel stronger and more content than I ever have...
could it be... that somehow.. through the most backwards blindfolded way...somehow
im fixed...
I feel whole... I feel like me... I feel hopeful
I feel free

alright..
finally have a day to catch up with all my online stuff..
been deep into flash development on one of my eccomerce sites.. www.chemicalinstinct.com I cant believe im saying this but.. It seems that ebay is still one of the best ways to sell.. lol I just wish you could custumize the look.. make it simnpler and cleaner.... develop more templates.. etc etc etc

Now that have the blogging running I suppose Ill blog to numerous sites.. so just to assure any readers at least for the next two months I will be blogging solely here.. with the ocassional copy and psate into my facebook etc.

re blogging my cog

Well finally got around to using this blogging site..
Well Life is rather good..
A little moist at the moment..

Its reminicent of Belgian weather..
The almost mistyness plowing off the road...

Im looking forward to Halloween..
Its been awhile since ive had it off and the last time we all made the mistake
of going to the henry david ball..boring and we all got cheated out of our "Schoolof FIsh" group costume award by two lesbians dressed like cheney and bush as fucking each other.. amusing yes, Costume prize award winning hell no.

SO this year im thinking of going to NYC...
so many things going on..
some friends are having house party in brooklyn
misfits are playing at bb kings
Chriss is throwing A fetish party
// not to mention Hetaher, richard and the entire gang have off..
Funk Yeah

3 way to NYC

Well... what a weekend...
After friday nights bust of "splatter hgouse: I decided it appropraite to take in a little vacation before the fall season... Knowing how rare it is to get a weekend off...

So I went to NYC to visit two friends, XXXXX and XXXXX.
I met them several months agoi while I was briefly seeing XXXX X girl friend. They seemed all very nice at the time, but it seemed like I had arrived on the scene during some turbulent times.
Having come out of several polyamourous relationship I am all too well versed in the cloudyness that comes out of these type of romtical triangles.
Though at the time a bit smitten by the X, !5 years in tghis buisiness can make the lessons learned so concrete that you cant edven find the power or self dellusioned energy to deny the simple fact that it is not an adoration built on stable ground.

Needles to say after their break up there was a quick ending to my dialogue with XXXXX and XXXXX and their friends.

Ironically the sadn3ess that came out of my triste with the X was more centered around the fact that there were all these amazing people around them.. I knew this girl had some kind of "emotions" for me so justy being friends was looking as a very slim possibility But after a rather dramatic end to there relationship numerous questions came out of it....

Its strange when girls offer ther girlfriends as some type of sexual bonus. And no matter how it may seem that Im just there for the ass.. the sad thing is.... Im an emo sensitive punk,,hahaha I just cant sleep with people without getting attached.. its awful.. So that is a good reason why every several years ill go moths if not a year without getting azny ass... its just easier that way.

I CAN REMEBER the night we first all slept together.,., I had been racing around the city trying to get to their appartment. I got pulled over... With the scent of a beer on my breath the officer asked why I was in such a rush... I explained i was on my way to a three way and that I was running late. He looked at me, asked where I lived and walked back to his partner in their cruiser... A few minutes l;ater, he returned with a ticket for disregarding a light and sent me on my way...

I rememebr how weird it was to be inside her girlfriend, looking over seeing her eyes filled with an almost evol intent. It seemed wrong, as if it wasnt 3 people, just two and a pet... and this is wrong wrong wrong. Needles to say a short while after that night they broke up[ and most of my contact with them was terminated.

Since I returned from BM many things have changed for me... It seemed before I was looking for my perfect compliment.. now it seems far from what i want.. Almost looking forward to differences, something i could leran from or teach from. Someone who chalanges me, someone who at the very least ointerests me and inspires me.

Since then ive spent many hours observing girls... and enjoyinbg when they are complete ependednt in thought. I think we have all been in relationships where people adjust themselves to you.. saying that love is about comprimise, but changing who you are and how you tick is not a comprimise... its a sell out.

I want to be told theythink its wronmg, I want to be shown a better way, or a different way, I want them to challange me... in hopes of extracting somerthing more pure.. something more true... something truelly me.